


Ask Me Anything

by SunGreen70



Category: Whose Line Is It Anyway? RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-18
Updated: 2014-02-18
Packaged: 2018-01-12 22:15:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1202497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SunGreen70/pseuds/SunGreen70
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Originally written for the Whose-a-Thon on LiveJournal in June, 2012. Prompt: Jeff is kept awake at night with the one question that's burned into his mind. "Why is it you never see adolescent ostriches?" Total crack :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ask Me Anything

2:04

2:05

2:06

Jeff lay on his side, watching the luminous green numbers on the bedside clock as they silently counted the minutes away. Sighing deeply, he turned over, seeking out a cool place on his pillow. He closed his eyes again, but his mind continued to race.

Letting out an exasperated breath, Jeff sat up, the tangled sheets clinging to his sweaty limbs. Irritably, he peeled them off. Running a hand through his disheveled hair, he glanced at the clock again. 2:08. He dropped his head wearily onto his knees. It was no use. He wasn’t going to sleep tonight – _again_.

Throwing his legs over the side of the bed, Jeff shoved his feet into pink bunny slippers and began agitatedly pacing the floor. If only he could let it go, just for the night. There would be plenty of time to obsess tomorrow. A few hours of freedom, that was all he asked. Jeff paused by the window and looked out. The night was cloudy, obscuring the moon and stars and shrouding the sky in blackness. Just like Jeff’s mind these past… however long it had been since this conundrum had taken over his being, refusing to leave him in peace.

With sleep out of the question, Jeff dropped heavily onto the edge of the bed and picked up the TV remote. There was nothing but static on the first channel. And the second. And the third. Jeff frowned. Hadn’t he paid the cable bill? Despite the obvious fact of the cable being out, he flipped through several more snowy channels. But then on channel 763, there was a clear picture. Jeff paused, remote in hand.

A bare, poorly lit room clearly showed shadows of camera equipment. At the top of the screen, a hanging microphone dipped slightly into the picture. Directly below it stood an empty wooden chair, of the kind that was used in schoolrooms. As Jeff watched, puzzled, footsteps could be heard off-screen. A balding man wearing faded jeans and a pale blue sweater suddenly appeared on camera, swearing softly as he tripped over a cable. He righted himself, settled in the chair, cleared his throat and tugged at the sleeves of his sweater before he looked into the camera.

“Hello,” he said, his eyes seeming to bore into Jeff’s. “I’m Colin. Ask me anything.”

Jeff blinked, and waited for more. But Colin had fallen silent, hands folded in his lap. He gazed steadily into the camera as the TV cast a blue glow across Jeff’s bed. Jeff shifted uneasily. The man’s eyes continued to probe his own. Across the bottom of the screen scrolled the words “Ask me anything,” followed by a telephone number. Jeff glanced back and forth between the screen crawl and Colin’s level stare.

Five minutes went by. Then ten. On screen, nothing happened other than the incessant crawl of “Ask me anything” and the telephone number. The blue light bathing Jeff’s bed flickered as the words scrolled by. Colin continued to look directly into the camera, and into Jeff’s startled eyes.

Mesmerized, Jeff could only stare back. He felt exposed, unnerved… but he could not make his fingers press the “Off” button. He was seized with the disconcerting feeling that even if he did, Colin would still be there on the screen, peering into Jeff’s very soul. He was afraid to find out if it would happen.

Almost of its own accord, the hand not clutching the remote went out to the phone on the bedside table, then stopped. Several more minutes passed in silent, flickering light. Colin’s gaze never wavered.

Finally, Jeff reached for the phone again. His hands trembled as he punched in the number that still scrolled across the screen. He hesitated for a second or two longer, then pressed “Send”.

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing_

The ringing sounded in Jeff’s left ear from the phone and his right ear from the TV. On screen, Colin jumped, his composure ruffled for the first time since he’d appeared. He looked around, startled. From the side of a screen a hand came into view, holding a phone. A whispered voice off-camera appeared to be giving instructions. Colin took the phone, and a clicking sound in Jeff’s ear signaled that the line was picked up.

“Hello.” Jeff’s heart pounded at the sound of the voice coming simultaneously from the TV and the phone. He grappled for the remote and muted the sound on the television. He could see Colin’s lips move in time to the words in his ear. “Ask me anything.”

Jeff swallowed, opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. He peeked at the screen to see Colin once again staring at him intently, via the camera. Taking a deep breath, Jeff blurted, “Why is it you never see adolescent ostriches?”

Colin’s face on the screen grew thoughtful. “Hmm,” he hummed into Jeff’s ear. “A very good question.” His eyes moved away from the camera for the first time as he pondered.

Jeff felt himself relax slightly. Colin approved of his question. With bated breath, he watched Colin’s pensive face on the screen.

After a long moment, Colin looked back into the camera. Jeff sat up a little straighter. When Colin spoke, his voice was assured, knowing. He answered with a confidence that left Jeff completely certain that he spoke the truth.

“They’re shy.”

Jeff ‘s fingers tightened on the phone. On screen, Colin sat back in his chair, the phone still held to his ear, and resumed his level gaze into the camera.

“Thank you,” Jeff whispered. Colin smiled enigmatically, a slight curve of the lips. Warmth flooded through Jeff. There was a click, and on screen Colin set down the phone. Jeff quickly pressed the mute button on the TV remote, to hear what Colin might have to say next.

“We’re out of time,” Colin said to the camera. Without further ado, the picture faded into darkness, and Colin disappeared from view. Briefly, the words “Channel 763 - Public Access” appeared on the screen, then there was only static.

Slowly, Jeff raised the remote, hesitating before pressing the “Off” button. Much to his relief, the room was immediately cloaked in darkness. Outside the window the clouds had lifted, and a few stars gave faint pinpricks of light.

Jeff suddenly felt completely drained, but content. A smile stretched across his face, and he lay back against pillows that seemed to have become softer and more comfortable since he’d sat up earlier. He was still smiling as his eyes drifted shut, and felt sleep begin to overtake him at last.

_Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing_

Jeff bolted upright, his heart pounding. He fumbled for the phone and pressed the button before it rang a second time. “Colin?” he asked breathlessly.

“Jeff, it’s Chip.” The voice on the other end of the line was small and tremulous. Jeff felt a strange mixture of relief and disappointment. He shook his head to clear it.

“Chip? What is it?”

“I can’t sleep.”

Jeff glanced at the clock. 2:57 AM. Less than an hour since he’d turned on the television. He forced himself to focus on his friend. “Why? What’s wrong?”

A deep, shaky sigh came over the line. “I don’t know. My head is just spinning. I can’t seem to turn my mind off, you know?”

“Yeah,” Jeff agreed with feeling. There was a silence. “Chip? What’s wrong?” he asked again.

Chip sighed. “Jeff, I… I know it’s crazy, but it’s been keeping me up for days now. I just can’t figure it out. If you’re traveling at the speed of light and turn the headlights on, does anything happen?”


End file.
